WHITER WHITES...

A commercial for laundry detergent

I haven't written a commercial since the one for a PooGram. Here is one for a new brand of laundry detergent. (Forgive me!)

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Scene: Laundry Room

Distraught housewife looks at dingy gray shirt and throws it down in disgust.

Housewife: "This shirt will never be white like when it was new."

(A knock at the door. A voice) "Hello! Help is on the way!"

(Housewife opens door and man steps in. He wears white tights, white leotard, and white cape) "I'm Captain SuperWhite! Here to save the day! I heard you are in laundry distress."

Housewife: (Eyeing him  up and down)  "Who are you? Are you sure you're not looking for the gay bar two blocks over...errr, not that there's anything wrong with that..."

Capt. SW: "No! You silly! I'm here to help you with your laundry!"

Housewife: "Do you want to fold or iron?"

Capt. SW: "No, no! I'm here to make it whiter with my new Whiz with Bleach, a detergent from Huckster and Ramble."

Housewife: "Whiz with Bleach? Are you kidding me?"

Capt. SW: (Murmurs) "This sure isn't like the old days.  They respected Mr. Clean."   (Continues, louder) "Yes, madam, I'm serious. Let's try a load."

(He grabs shirt and throws it in washer, adding Whiz with Bleach, starts the machine)

Capt. SW: "Well, while we wait for the load to finish, let me tell you about this fine detergent. It's a yellow liquid..."

Housewife: "Yellow liquid, with a name like 'Whiz,' why am I not surprised?"

Capt. SW: (Ignores her and continues) "...Yellow liquid with green specks. The green specks are bleach, you see, color-safe bleach that brightens your colors while it whitens your whites, all in the convenience of a liquid. No messy powder!"

Housewife: "It looks pukey."

Capt. SW:  "Whaat?"

Housewife: "It looks like vomit. How can I put vomit on my clothes."

Capt. SW: "It's not vomit! It's Whiz with Bleach in a handy liquid form that brightens your colors while it whitens your whites."

Housewife: "I don't know. It still looks like vomit to me."

Capt. SW: "It's not vomit!" (Captain SuperWhite looks at his watch) "Look! The wash cycle is over. Let's take a look at that shirt."

(Pulls shirt out of the washer and holds it up. It is yellow with green specks all over it. He gasps)

Housewife: "Hey, what did you do to my shirt? Now it looks like puke!"

Capt. SW: "I...I don't know. Whiz with Bleach has never failed me before. Maybe your washer is dirty." (Inspects the inside of the washer)

Housewife: "Hey, are you calling me a bad housewife?" (Grabs Captain White by the tights, propels him toward the door) "Get out of my house!"

Capt. SW: "Wait! What's the address of that bar! I think I need a drink!"

Housewife: "Drink this!" (Hurls the bottle of Whiz at him and slams the door) "It was vomit!" (Murmuring she leaves the room)

The End

Copyright 2006 JO Janoski