PooGram Calling...

The other day I posted a page that offers "Fecalgrams," and it stoked my curiosity as to how one would write a commercial for such an item. This one is a script for radio:

Sound of a doorbell. A voice:

Delivery Man: Poogram Delivery.

Silence.

DM:  Poogram delivery!

Door opens with a squeak.

Homebody: W-w-what?

DM: Poogram, sir!

HB: A what?

DM: Poogram, sir! From an anonymous donor.

H: Err, what's a Poogram?

DM: Oh, it's your lucky day, sir! A Poogram is a beautifully packaged box of sh...t[beep--CENSOR] delivered right to your door as a gift. If I do say so myself, it is a distinctive gesture.

H: Back up...it's a package of what?

DM:  Sh...t[beep--CENSOR] produced and ready for your enjoyment. We ship poo all over the continental United States and Canada. Ours is the freshest sold anywhere. You can tell by our soft texture and alluring aroma. 

H: Someone sent this to me? Holy sh...errr, I  mean holy smokes! I bet it was my ex-wife, right?

DM: I can't say who it is, sir. Poograms are sent anonymously. But you could send a poogram to your ex-wife. It so easy, just dial 1-888-poo-phew and we’ll get a box of poo off to your ex right away. 

H: Great! What does it cost?

DM: Our Big Sh...t[beep--CENSOR] package is only $50, and our friendly "Quickie Poo" box is $25, a perfect way to let someone know just how you feel about them. And here's some good news--both sizes float.

H: I'll take a quickie poo for my ex wife. She doesn't have to know it's from me, right?

DM: Nope. We never leave sh...t[beep--CENSOR] boxes and tell.  Excellent. But first where would you like me to put this Bigsh...t[beep--CENSOR] package someone sent you. 

HB: Aw, forward that one to her, too. By the way, does it cost extra to set it on fire on her doorstep?

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Copyright 2005 JO Janoski